When I sit in a facilitator space, (learning or healing), being present is not so challenging. Being there, witnessing, observing and responding comes naturally and easily. It is after all my job, how I was trained and so in that, it is a regular practice. I can watch, feel and experience all at the same time.
What I am noticing right now, is that in my life – this is much harder. A voice comes in my head and tells me what I “should be” doing, or a feeling comes forth and I constrict or find ways to avoid. Even writing this, right now, is actually what I might call “permissible avoidance”. It’s work after all, so who could blame me or point fingers if I do this rather than feel, meditate or experience what is truly happening right now? I mean, I need to work, right?
What I truly realized today though, is that by doing this I ignore, avoid and devalue the other parts of myself – the other needs I have. My need to feel or recognize uncomfortable feelings, my need to have order and a clean home, my need to demonstrate love to my family and be present for them… and today I wondered what would happen if I said “yes” just a little more often. After all, uncomfortable feelings are valuable and they will stick around longer if I stick them in some pocket of my heart, my energy or my body. After all, cleaning the house will just seem bigger if left longer. I tell myself today that those things I avoid – those are still me – still my soul or my heart or my being whispering to me about my desires or the spaces where I need to feel heard.
That’s the difference. Right now, I see that. I see that instead of seeing those voices as desires or needs of my own I have been seeing them as demands or requests outside of me – someone else pulling the strings or someone else’s responsibility to repair or heal. I have suddenly found a new layer of the “have to”/”choose to” wisdom.
Today I am going to try to at least witness my habits of avoidance and make a conscious choice with full understanding of what and why I choose.