I am laughing at myself a bit this morning as it dawns on me that my inner child has been running the show the last few days. Pouting about how unfair life is.
I discovered a false belief that she carries that someday there will be a time when I can just focus on – one thing. “In two weeks, it will be calmer and I can just focus on creating or healing or my family.” or “This weekend will be easier to…”
Even though life keeps proving to me that saying it doesn’t make it a promise, I kept believing that it did. Just this morning, I realized, I feel disappointed all the time because that is not realistic! Life will happen. Sure, there will be times that it all works out – but there is no promise – no setting life aside or stopping everyone and everything else so they might not interfere and change our plans. Most of us are, after all, living interdependent lives. Choosing relationship over isolation.
How many times have I said these things to myself? How many times has Spirit pointed out my folly? It’s rather like the belief that God will never let anything bad happen to me. It just simply isn’t the true promise. It’s a child’s view of deeper truth. What does this look like in my life right now?
Well, I quit my job to focus on building a business and healing myself. I felt the rush of excitement at having this simpler focus in my life – less distraction or others pulling at me. Well, one month in and I received a phone call from the property manager that we would have to move in 60 days. It may seem like nothing to many of you but my parents and I have been renting this home for 37 years. This is my childhood home, my children’s childhood home. As such, it holds life, death and a ton of wandering children’s belongings. You know what happens when you raise or help to raise 10 children? You acquire a lot! And then you tell yourself you will get around to sorting through it – this weekend – this summer…and then a parent gets sick, a friend is in need, your child gets depressed or you’re so tired from work or overwhelm…
Annnnd… here we are full circle. Ummm…someone is trying to tell me something about waiting around for the perfect time that never comes. Or is it more about “fairness”? Maybe I should accept that LIFE waits for no man.. Maybe it is more about embracing who I am – or finding balance. Could it be about choice? Balance? I am an inner-personal/intra-personally focused person – everything else in life is a distraction for me – an annoyance. I guess that means I have some strong avoidance behaviors.
So what is the deeper truth? What is Spirit’s promise here, if there is one at all? Perhaps Spirit simply is asking me to know choice and gratitude when the opportunity presents itself. To recognize that when I respond to the people in my life, it is because they are what matter to me. Responding meets my need to be of use, to matter to others, to belong…it is where my joy lies. And yet, there are other needs…to have order in my life, to have time for self-nurturing, to provide shelter and sustenance for myself and my family. And so I step back for a minute and recognize that this is just like any other time when there are conflicting needs – we hold it all – we compromise – we adjust and finally we bend and flow. The peace is in the knowing we are meeting needs by making choices – not by force – not as a victim but as a heart centered human.